Little Heart, Big Love

I'm starting to think that God is systematically foiling each of my plans.

...No, but really.

Approximately two months ago, my plan was to be in Rome, Italy, right now.  (I am in America.)

Approximately one month ago, my new plan was to be working full time in somewhat of a dream job right now.  (I am a part time & temporary nanny, part time 'consultant', and part time 'musician'.)

So like.. I had plans, you know? And in all the strangeness of His Mercy, the Lord has been foiling "my plans".

I say it is part of His Mercy, and I mean it. And beneath the turbulence of my shifting plans, He has given me a deep certainty that I am exactly where He wants me to be, for which I am grateful. But let's be clear:  That doesn't necessarily make it easy, and I haven't exactly been going down without a fight. On my best days, I'm only slightly bummed that I'm not in Rome and that my best friend lives across the country, and only mildly irritated at the fact that I'm still not fully employed and can't be fully independent yet. Believe me when I say that God has received more than His fair share of "earfuls" about all of it from me! (And I say "more than", given the fact that His "fair share" is approximately...zero.)

But through prayer and the action of the Holy Spirit in the many people with whom He has blessed my life, little by little I am coming to see that it is all, indeed, a work of His Mercy.  

You see, His love is very big - but my heart is little. The wine and the wineskins are mismatched, as it were.  And in His Mercy, boundless as it is, He is stretching me little by little, until I can contain more and more of His love.  

It's not the most pleasant of processes, to be stretched; but the alternative is to remain small.  He will always fill me to the brim with His love and life, with Himself.  But why be a thimble when I could be a 50 gallon drum? 

To return to the theme of life in abundance, CS Lewis said, "It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. ...We are far too easily pleased."

He loves me excessively, foolishly; He longs to give Himself to me more and more and more, but in order to do that, He has to make my heart bigger and bigger and bigger.  In His Mercy, He does it little by little - and, as it turns out, sometimes one foiled plan after another.

#mylifeatseminary: unexpected interactions

One time... I fell down the stairs, right into the arms of some random Vicar for Clergy. 

     Yep, that's right. This particular Tuesday morning was a rough one; one of those mornings where, 20 minutes after you wake up, you're kind of wishing you could just go back to bed and start over. Or fast forward to tomorrow.  

     So I essentially live at a retreat center, and on this particular day, there was a short conference for Vicars for Clergy going on.  They were a happy bunch, and as I walked out of my room and down the stairs to go to breakfast, I grumpily thought to myself: There are far too many people up and about and cheerful for this hour of the day. I really hope I don't have to talk to any of them. 

     Lo and behold, as I rounded the corner to the last flight of stairs, a whole pack of them was walking up the stairs towards me. One smiled and said good morning. Uh oh. Conversation. I smiled back and said hi, inwardly hoping I wouldn't have to continue interacting with him. I needed coffee first, you know? You understand, right?

     Well, immediately I missed the next stair, lost complete control, and Fr. Good-Morning caught me as I was falling. I ended up half on my butt on the stairs, half in his arms, and with a look of complete shock and bewilderment on my face. Assuring them I was okay and thanking my rescuer, I walked away laughing at myself. I applaud their self-control in not laughing - at least not while I was there!

     Far more interaction than I wanted that morning, and certainly not the way I would have wanted to introduce myself but it certainly cured my grumpiness. That and coffee. Coffee helped.

That's embarrassing anywhere, but with the Vicar for Clergy? Thankfully, he's not from this diocese and I'm banking on the odds that I'll never see him again!

Another time... I woke up and there was a bishop in my hallway.

     Running late as usual, I opened up my door and flew out of my room - right into the auxiliary bishop. The 'conversation' went something like this:

     

Externally: "Oh! Uh... good morning uh... Excellency. Uh... How are you?"

Internally: I said 'Excellency' and not 'Eminence', right? Shoot, why can't I remember his last name? Geez, he's up early.  Wait, why is he in my hallway...? My life is really weird. Is this a dream? An alb... he must have celebrated Mass in the chapel with Fr. So&So... that's cool. Oh shoot, that's right: Mass! I'm late!

I have no idea what he responded. I was too busy wondering how I had gotten to a point in my life where the first person I see in the morning could possibly be a Bishop. And all of this before breakfast. "You duped me, O Lord..."

#mylifeatseminary

      

     

Super September

Happy September, everyone!!

I really love September! Actually, the "ber" months are my favorite ones of the whole year.  And September is my favorite of those.

Maybe it's because the first day of fall is in September, and fall is my favorite season.  I love the weather in September, and the anticipation of the changing leaves, and the air starting to get crisp in the morning and evenings - you know, that cold that has the bite of fall in it. I think people tend to be generally pretty happy in September too; we aren't complaining about the heat of the summer or mosquitos anymore, but the sun hasn't disappeared yet for the winter so the lack of vitamin D isn't making us cranky yet.  It also may or may not be because my birthday is in September.  I don't know, I just love September! I've been super pumped all day.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how today would be the start of September (no joke, I love it that much) and I was getting excited and I had this epiphany. Well, it's actually been brewing in my heart and mind for a few days I think but yesterday I felt motivated in my heart to make a decision: I decided I wanted to challenge myself this September. And for the sake of my own accountability I'm going to share it with you publicly on my blog.

World, this September is going to be a month of fearlessness for me! (Insert fist pump)

Let me explain. Do you ever just find yourself sort of in a rut?  Not like a bad rut, but just doing the same old things not because that routine works for you but just because?  Have you ever just thought for a minute and realized that you don't try certain things or do certain things because you're afraid?

Well, I do. And I think it probably happens to everyone at various points in life, so I'm assuming I'm in good company.

For various reasons and circumstances, I've come to realize lately the many things I haven't been doing simply because I'm afraid to do them. I'm afraid to try something new because I might fail at it; or I'm afraid to sign up for something because I'd have to do it by myself; or I don't go check out that place I've always wanted to explore, not for any legitimate reason but just because. And it is just really silly to live in fear like that!

There's this quote I love from Mary Oliver (poet), that goes: "Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?" I have it on my wall as a challenge to myself to live intentionally.  God desires my life in abundance; I am precious in His eyes, honored, and He loves me (Is 43:4) - what is fear, in the face of such love? 

So, this September, I'm starting an adventure - the goal is fearlessness, in every way possible. I'm going to be very intentional about why I am or am not doing something - and if the reason is merely fear, then it's not a good enough reason.  The things I'm afraid to do? I'm doing 'em. The conversations I'm afraid to have? I'm having 'em. The ways I'm afraid to pray? I'm comin' at ya, Lord!

So here I go! It's only Sept 1, and I've already made contact with the young adult groups I've been avoiding for a year and joined a gym. What crazy things will I do next?! 

 

The Last Word of History

I was sitting out on the balcony the other night, just thinking and being because it was peaceful and cool outside. And you know those times, at the end of the day, when sort of everything and nothing starts running through your head all at once? Well, I was in that kind of a state of being; you know, drinking tea and being all hipster and waxing philosophic in my own brain.

Eventually all these whispers and rumors of "war" in the distance came to my mind and as I thought about all of it, I started to feel very small in this big world.

But eventually I thought about this quote I once read from our Pope Emeritus, Benedict XVI:

Yet, in the sure knowledge that the Lord is risen, we are able to move forward confidently, in the conviction that evil does not have the last word in human history, and that God is able to open up new horizons to a hope that does not disappoint (cf. Rom 5:5).

We all saw images and read the story of the atrocities in Syria, and if we weren't aware already, we are now painfully aware of the horror that has been life in that country for two years now.  And I don't really care what your political views are or what you support - I've heard on every news channel and website that our country may be on the cusp of another war, and war is scary for everyone. Every time I check Twitter there's another breaking news story about another local shooting.  There's violence in our world, violence on our streets, violence in our homes. And if we take an honest look at ourselves, a lot of times there's violence in our own hearts. When you pause and think about it, the world sometimes appears irredeemable. It starts to feel like evil is going to have the last word.  As someone tweeted so eloquently the other day: "Jesus come back - before we blow this dang planet to pieces."

So I was thinking about all of that on the balcony, when everything was so quiet. What does it all mean, to be able to "move forward confidently"?  

It's certainly not that being a Christian makes me immune to danger and harm and physical death.  Take the martyrs as your Exhibit A.  Or merely the fact that, as CS Lewis said, "100 percent of us die, and that percentage cannot be increased."  

No; in the face of evil, Pope Benedict said that we move forward confidently, "in the sure knowledge that the Lord is risen."

Fellow Christians, it doesn't matter if the world appears irredeemable; Christ has redeemed it. We can sleep in peace at night, even with war rumbling in the distance, not because we can't die but because Christ is risen.  We know that physical death is not the greatest evil - nor is it the end.  We know that Christ is the Prince of Peace and in His Kingdom there will be no war, no oppression, no sin, and no more tears.  And we know this hope will not disappoint.

It doesn't mean we are excused from praying and working for peace here on Earth.  Definitely not! In fact, our sure knowledge and hope should lead us to a tireless pursuit and effort towards peace.

What it means is that we have nothing to fear. In the words of the late, great JPII: "Be not afraid!"  He has already won the battle. Love is stronger than death. And Love Himself - the Prince of Peace - and not evil, will have the last word of human history.

Mary, Queen of all nations, pray for us.

For I Know the Plans I Have for You

First of all, I haven't forgotten about blogging! On the contrary, I've had ample life material to reflect upon and plenty of funny stories to share.  No; my school is a victim of the same bad-internet disease that seems to plague all Catholic institutions (at least the ones I've attended), and so I haven't had access to the internet in order to post. As it is, I'm on a public computer right now to write this post! I've been trying to get internet access for over a week now, to no avail. More updates on my internet saga to come. Try not to fall out of your seat in expectation.

So, life status update: I am currently semi-unemployed (it's complicated, but I won't explain it - for our purposes, I'm basically unemployed, temporarily).

Despite the fact that I knew this was the best choice for right now, and the fact that God has been working out everything, down to the last tiny detail, and even the fact that I'll eventually be employed and I'm really excited for what's to come... still this is not easy for me.

I've been in this state for all of 5 full days now, and it's already taking its toll on my self-esteem. To be honest, there's even a part of me hesitating to post this because it's hard to publicly admit to unemployment! Silly, right? It also didn't help that the same day I completed my previous employment, the seminarians all went on silent retreat and lurked silently around the campus like something out of a zombie movie. (I have since deepened my resolve to find more friends who aren't seminarians.) As a result, this week I've found myself sounding like a child 2 weeks into summer break: "I'm bored!"

And the other day, as I was complaining to my best friend (God bless her) about it, I said, "I just don't know what I'm going to DO with my life when I'm unemployed!"  Her simple but profound response? "Live it. Because it's going to keep moving forward whether you do or not." 

Well... yes. That's true. Oh wait, what was the purpose of this blog again? To be less anxious about the future and enjoy the beautiful present God is giving me right now? To find Him in the every-day? To live fully and be fully alive? Oh, yeah. Right. That.

If I completely ignore the fact that I'm technically unemployed and just look at all of the other blessings, here's what happened this week:

• I was able to pray the Office, with coffee, by my window - one of my favorite things to do by myself, and something I rarely have time to do under normal circumstances. And I was able to take as much time as I wanted reading it.
• I read a whole book in a day! I haven't done that in years. And I read half of another one. Neither was for school. 
• I stopped in to see my family more than once this week. Since the time I have left with my grandparents is inevitably running short, I treasure every extra minute I get to spend with them. This week I got plenty of extra minutes.
• Friends came into town, and I spent an afternoon and evening in the city with some of my favorite people. And, bonus, the Cathedral parking lot was open so I didn't even have to pay for parking.
• I went kayaking with a friend, something we've been talking about doing for a long time now. And he's about to leave for a semester in Rome, so it's probably the last I'll see or hear from him for awhile!
• I was able to take a quick trip to Michigan to see friends, stayed with a dear friend whom I don't often get to see, and had an incredibly blessed time - even though it was short! And the drive back was a perfect windows-down, music-blasting, green-tea-drinking kind of drive.

Am I blessed, or what?? And this isn't even the whole list.

I'm not faulting myself for struggling with unemployment; it's hard! And it's funny, because we always complain about not having enough time and wanting to just "do nothing" for a day - but the reality is that "nothing" isn't all it's cracked up to be and nobody likes unemployment.

But I did sort of forget to look for God in all of it, and that's my challenge to myself for the rest of the time of this sort-of-unemployment, however long it lasts: 
To live life well and fully, and still look for God in the every day, because He's there and He's asking things of me and He's showering blessings on me in some kind of torrential downpour, if I only open my eyes to see it.  And to be confident that I'm not defined by what I do. He's still the abundant life I'm looking for, loving me completely - employed or unemployed.

Because, to quote Bl. John Paul II: "We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son."  We belong to Him, and He knows the plans He has for us.

Great friends, great city :)

#mylifeatseminary

The seminarians are back! This campus was pretty dead after summer school ended, and I've really missed having people around. I'm excited to see everybody again! 

Since they've just returned and the school year is about to start, this seemed like an appropriate time to begin my #mylifeatseminary series. Living on a seminary campus makes for some interesting and sometimes hilarious life stories and experiences, so I thought I'd share a couple of the shareable ones every once in awhile. (Maybe I'll write a book someday) ;)

For future reference, though the stories aren't scandalous in the least, I'll be keeping the identifying details to a minimum; they may have happened last year, they may have happened in the summer or this year, and none of the names are accurate. 

#mylifeatseminary: Papal Excitement

I try to keep up to date on current events.  I follow CNN and BBC News on Twitter so I know what's happening in the country and the world. It's the same with Church news, and I stay on top of the Vatican News website so I know what's happening in the Church. I'd say I'm fairly on top of things. 

But I've found that there are few things more reliable for quick information, especially on Church matters, than the Seminarian Network. 

When Pope Benedict stepped down from the papacy, it was huge news for everyone and the media went nuts. But before CNN, EWTN, or even News.va on Twitter could tell me about it, I received a 5 am text from a seminarian informing me that the Pope had resigned. Only a few things were even out on the news about it by that time!

At breakfast, lunch, and dinner, before the news was even asking these questions, the guesses over what Pope Benedict would be called, when a conclave would be held, and who would be elected had already begun. I think the term "[Catholic] March Madness" could have been accurately applied to the pre-conclave atmosphere. 

The Holy Father was elected on a Wednesday afternoon. On Wednesday afternoons, I had a class on the first floor and the entire 1st Theology class was immediately above us on the 2nd floor. I wasn't watching any of the live cameras because I was in class, but I figured the Pope wouldn't be elected that day anyway and I had signed up for "PopeAlarm" - an app that would text me as soon as there was white smoke - so I wasn't worried about missing it. 

About 5 minutes into class time, the outside door of the theology building crashed open and through the crack of our almost-closed door I saw someone go sprinting by. Next, I heard feet pounding up the stairs and someone yelling, "school is cancelled, school is cancelled!!" followed by the scraping of chairs and an earthquake sound in the room above us. 

Well, I thought, there must be white smoke! Checked my phone: no text from PopeAlarm. But I quickly looked up the news, and sure enough: white smoke. 15 minutes later, I received a text from "PopeAlarm" telling me that a Pope had been elected. 

Who needs PopeAlarm when you have seminarians?

School wasn't cancelled, by the way. Wishful thinking on his part. 

#mylifeatseminary

Like a Thief in the Night

Over the weekend, the beloved associate pastor at our parish passed away rather suddenly.  In his office they found the homily he had written for Mass on Sunday, and the other priests decided to read it as the homily for each of the Masses.  It was so beautifully apropos, and it has been on my mind pretty much ever since.

In case you've forgotten the readings, here's a link to them.

I couldn't possibly cite direct quotes for you, but he had written about preparedness.  Death, he said, comes in many forms - slow, sudden, natural, tragic, late, too soon.  But no matter what form it takes, it often catches us unprepared.  We frequently act as if the Lord waits to come for us until we have our act together, until we've accomplished all we want to accomplish and checked all the items off of all our lists, until we decide that we're good and ready to be done.

We also act as if, since we await the second coming, the Lord is not present here with us now.  As if he is delayed in coming and we are living in a world where God is distant, and therefore a world where our actions have no consequence, where the people we encounter are just that: merely people we encounter, and the things we do affect us alone. We act as if God is not present in every. single. thing. that we do and every. single. person. that we meet, and as if the Kingdom of Heaven is not at hand.

And so when the Lord comes, as he inevitably will to each of us, we are caught off guard. And it doesn't really matter whether or not we had a long illness beforehand to give us a heads up.

But what if we were to live every day in the reality of the Lord's presence?  If we were to see him with us in our neighbor around the corner or in our family at home or in the cashier at the grocery store, then maybe we wouldn't be so surprised when he came the last time for us.  Maybe we won't be so shocked when he comes in glory and everything is brought to light and nothing remains hidden.  Maybe we'll be the servants "ready to open immediately when he comes and knocks."

Anyway, this is what I've been chewing on since Mass yesterday.  Do I "sojourn in this land by faith" like Abraham? Do I live in the reality of God's intimate presence, nearer to my own heart than even I am? Do I see Christ everywhere around me, in the people I encounter and the things I do? Would I be surprised if he came today? How can I be the vigilant servant? He's pleased to give me the Kingdom; am I as ready and pleased to receive it?


May Fr. Tom's soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.