Little Heart, Big Love

I'm starting to think that God is systematically foiling each of my plans.

...No, but really.

Approximately two months ago, my plan was to be in Rome, Italy, right now.  (I am in America.)

Approximately one month ago, my new plan was to be working full time in somewhat of a dream job right now.  (I am a part time & temporary nanny, part time 'consultant', and part time 'musician'.)

So like.. I had plans, you know? And in all the strangeness of His Mercy, the Lord has been foiling "my plans".

I say it is part of His Mercy, and I mean it. And beneath the turbulence of my shifting plans, He has given me a deep certainty that I am exactly where He wants me to be, for which I am grateful. But let's be clear:  That doesn't necessarily make it easy, and I haven't exactly been going down without a fight. On my best days, I'm only slightly bummed that I'm not in Rome and that my best friend lives across the country, and only mildly irritated at the fact that I'm still not fully employed and can't be fully independent yet. Believe me when I say that God has received more than His fair share of "earfuls" about all of it from me! (And I say "more than", given the fact that His "fair share" is approximately...zero.)

But through prayer and the action of the Holy Spirit in the many people with whom He has blessed my life, little by little I am coming to see that it is all, indeed, a work of His Mercy.  

You see, His love is very big - but my heart is little. The wine and the wineskins are mismatched, as it were.  And in His Mercy, boundless as it is, He is stretching me little by little, until I can contain more and more of His love.  

It's not the most pleasant of processes, to be stretched; but the alternative is to remain small.  He will always fill me to the brim with His love and life, with Himself.  But why be a thimble when I could be a 50 gallon drum? 

To return to the theme of life in abundance, CS Lewis said, "It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. ...We are far too easily pleased."

He loves me excessively, foolishly; He longs to give Himself to me more and more and more, but in order to do that, He has to make my heart bigger and bigger and bigger.  In His Mercy, He does it little by little - and, as it turns out, sometimes one foiled plan after another.

#mylifeatseminary: unexpected interactions

One time... I fell down the stairs, right into the arms of some random Vicar for Clergy. 

     Yep, that's right. This particular Tuesday morning was a rough one; one of those mornings where, 20 minutes after you wake up, you're kind of wishing you could just go back to bed and start over. Or fast forward to tomorrow.  

     So I essentially live at a retreat center, and on this particular day, there was a short conference for Vicars for Clergy going on.  They were a happy bunch, and as I walked out of my room and down the stairs to go to breakfast, I grumpily thought to myself: There are far too many people up and about and cheerful for this hour of the day. I really hope I don't have to talk to any of them. 

     Lo and behold, as I rounded the corner to the last flight of stairs, a whole pack of them was walking up the stairs towards me. One smiled and said good morning. Uh oh. Conversation. I smiled back and said hi, inwardly hoping I wouldn't have to continue interacting with him. I needed coffee first, you know? You understand, right?

     Well, immediately I missed the next stair, lost complete control, and Fr. Good-Morning caught me as I was falling. I ended up half on my butt on the stairs, half in his arms, and with a look of complete shock and bewilderment on my face. Assuring them I was okay and thanking my rescuer, I walked away laughing at myself. I applaud their self-control in not laughing - at least not while I was there!

     Far more interaction than I wanted that morning, and certainly not the way I would have wanted to introduce myself but it certainly cured my grumpiness. That and coffee. Coffee helped.

That's embarrassing anywhere, but with the Vicar for Clergy? Thankfully, he's not from this diocese and I'm banking on the odds that I'll never see him again!

Another time... I woke up and there was a bishop in my hallway.

     Running late as usual, I opened up my door and flew out of my room - right into the auxiliary bishop. The 'conversation' went something like this:

     

Externally: "Oh! Uh... good morning uh... Excellency. Uh... How are you?"

Internally: I said 'Excellency' and not 'Eminence', right? Shoot, why can't I remember his last name? Geez, he's up early.  Wait, why is he in my hallway...? My life is really weird. Is this a dream? An alb... he must have celebrated Mass in the chapel with Fr. So&So... that's cool. Oh shoot, that's right: Mass! I'm late!

I have no idea what he responded. I was too busy wondering how I had gotten to a point in my life where the first person I see in the morning could possibly be a Bishop. And all of this before breakfast. "You duped me, O Lord..."

#mylifeatseminary

      

     

Super September

Happy September, everyone!!

I really love September! Actually, the "ber" months are my favorite ones of the whole year.  And September is my favorite of those.

Maybe it's because the first day of fall is in September, and fall is my favorite season.  I love the weather in September, and the anticipation of the changing leaves, and the air starting to get crisp in the morning and evenings - you know, that cold that has the bite of fall in it. I think people tend to be generally pretty happy in September too; we aren't complaining about the heat of the summer or mosquitos anymore, but the sun hasn't disappeared yet for the winter so the lack of vitamin D isn't making us cranky yet.  It also may or may not be because my birthday is in September.  I don't know, I just love September! I've been super pumped all day.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how today would be the start of September (no joke, I love it that much) and I was getting excited and I had this epiphany. Well, it's actually been brewing in my heart and mind for a few days I think but yesterday I felt motivated in my heart to make a decision: I decided I wanted to challenge myself this September. And for the sake of my own accountability I'm going to share it with you publicly on my blog.

World, this September is going to be a month of fearlessness for me! (Insert fist pump)

Let me explain. Do you ever just find yourself sort of in a rut?  Not like a bad rut, but just doing the same old things not because that routine works for you but just because?  Have you ever just thought for a minute and realized that you don't try certain things or do certain things because you're afraid?

Well, I do. And I think it probably happens to everyone at various points in life, so I'm assuming I'm in good company.

For various reasons and circumstances, I've come to realize lately the many things I haven't been doing simply because I'm afraid to do them. I'm afraid to try something new because I might fail at it; or I'm afraid to sign up for something because I'd have to do it by myself; or I don't go check out that place I've always wanted to explore, not for any legitimate reason but just because. And it is just really silly to live in fear like that!

There's this quote I love from Mary Oliver (poet), that goes: "Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?" I have it on my wall as a challenge to myself to live intentionally.  God desires my life in abundance; I am precious in His eyes, honored, and He loves me (Is 43:4) - what is fear, in the face of such love? 

So, this September, I'm starting an adventure - the goal is fearlessness, in every way possible. I'm going to be very intentional about why I am or am not doing something - and if the reason is merely fear, then it's not a good enough reason.  The things I'm afraid to do? I'm doing 'em. The conversations I'm afraid to have? I'm having 'em. The ways I'm afraid to pray? I'm comin' at ya, Lord!

So here I go! It's only Sept 1, and I've already made contact with the young adult groups I've been avoiding for a year and joined a gym. What crazy things will I do next?!