So, life status update: I am currently semi-unemployed (it's complicated, but I won't explain it - for our purposes, I'm basically unemployed, temporarily).
Despite the fact that I knew this was the best choice for right now, and the fact that God has been working out everything, down to the last tiny detail, and even the fact that I'll eventually be employed and I'm really excited for what's to come... still this is not easy for me.
I've been in this state for all of 5 full days now, and it's already taking its toll on my self-esteem. To be honest, there's even a part of me hesitating to post this because it's hard to publicly admit to unemployment! Silly, right? It also didn't help that the same day I completed my previous employment, the seminarians all went on silent retreat and lurked silently around the campus like something out of a zombie movie. (I have since deepened my resolve to find more friends who aren't seminarians.) As a result, this week I've found myself sounding like a child 2 weeks into summer break: "I'm bored!"
And the other day, as I was complaining to my best friend (God bless her) about it, I said, "I just don't know what I'm going to DO with my life when I'm unemployed!" Her simple but profound response? "Live it. Because it's going to keep moving forward whether you do or not."
Well... yes. That's true. Oh wait, what was the purpose of this blog again? To be less anxious about the future and enjoy the beautiful present God is giving me right now? To find Him in the every-day? To live fully and be fully alive? Oh, yeah. Right. That.
If I completely ignore the fact that I'm technically unemployed and just look at all of the other blessings, here's what happened this week:
- I was able to pray the Office, with coffee, by my window - one of my favorite things to do by myself, and something I rarely have time to do under normal circumstances. And I was able to take as much time as I wanted reading it.
- I read a whole book in a day! I haven't done that in years. And I read half of another one. Neither was for school.
- I stopped in to see my family more than once this week. Since the time I have left with my grandparents is inevitably running short, I treasure every extra minute I get to spend with them. This week I got plenty of extra minutes.
- Friends came into town, and I spent an afternoon and evening in the city with some of my favorite people. And, bonus, the Cathedral parking lot was open so I didn't even have to pay for parking.
- I went kayaking with a friend, something we've been talking about doing for a long time now. And he's about to leave for a semester in Rome, so it's probably the last I'll see or hear from him for awhile!
- I was able to take a quick trip to Michigan to see friends, stayed with a dear friend whom I don't often get to see, and had an incredibly blessed time - even though it was short! And the drive back was a perfect windows-down, music-blasting, green-tea-drinking kind of drive.
Am I blessed, or what?? And this isn't even the whole list.
I'm not faulting myself for struggling with unemployment; it's hard! And it's funny, because we always complain about not having enough time and wanting to just "do nothing" for a day - but the reality is that "nothing" isn't all it's cracked up to be and nobody likes unemployment.
But I did sort of forget to look for God in all of it, and that's my challenge to myself for the rest of the time of this sort-of-unemployment, however long it lasts:
To live life well and fully, and still look for God in the every day, because He's there and He's asking things of me and He's showering blessings on me in some kind of torrential downpour, if I only open my eyes to see it. And to be confident that I'm not defined by what I do. He's still the abundant life I'm looking for, loving me completely - employed or unemployed.
Because, to quote Bl. John Paul II: "We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son." We belong to Him, and He knows the plans He has for us.
|Great friends, great city :)|